She Was The Last To Know

Between me, her and her mother, my girlfriend was the last to know she was pregnant. After the result of the second test confirmed it, she fixed me with a hazy stare and called me "a freeky, weiredy witch-man" for knowing all along.

But I have no special powers, only the simple powers of everyday observation. And here's how I knew.

1. Arguments. We tend to argue once, at the same time, every month. No, not at the time of her period, more like at the time of mine which just so happens to coincide with me withdrawing ridiculous amounts of money out of an already overdrawn bank account to pay bills and debts. But what would normally amount to a short burst of heavy shouting followed by a sour hour of sulking, on this ocassion was so relentless and intense that I decided to flee the assault by leaping out of the car at the traffic lights and storming off into the middle of nowhere. At least I wasn't the one driving.

2. Hysteria. A text message from a family member, which under normal circumstances to my usually rational lady would have barely raised an eyebrow and a tut, instead induced half an hour of crazy weeping and a impromptu decision to disown the "bloody lot of them".

3. An exaggerated sense of smell. I farted in bed. This is not unusual. But on this occassion it was met with utter revulsion and condemened as "the worst one I have done...ever", when clearly it wasn't even in the top five. She then immediately turned over and farted herself (No.4, Flatulance)

5. Sex. Despite both of us being continuiously exhausted from our work and having to share a bed with our daughter who has now grown too big for the cot, we had actually managed to have sex the previous month. Now, I'm no scientist but I do believe that the act of full intercourse may make pregnancy a possibilty. In her state of irrational denial (no.6?), Juliet maintained that you had to do it at least twice.

When Juliet finally excused herself to take test, my main emotion, however was fear. Not fear of the new baby and all the ensuing anxiety and expense but fear that I might be wrong and I was now living with a crazy lady and one with terrible and unexplainable wind.